A Troubling Trend

I think I'd seen enough when I saw a status update that read something akin to: "Sally Johnson is going to take a nap...LOL!" At first I thought, "Well, maybe these she doesn't actually know what 'LOL' stands for and just thinks it's a nice way to punctuate a sentence." But I don't think ignorance is a valid excuse in this case. Then I thought, "Maybe there really is something funny about the nap that she's taking. Perhaps she's taking a nap--in a clown suit!" But that didn't seem to make sense either.

Ultimately, I was forced to conclude that these LOL'ing folks, nice as they may be, expect us to believe that they are laughing out loud while completing some of life's more mundane tasks. I wish, honestly and wholeheartedly, that life were really that amusing from moment to moment, but it just ain't so. I wish that I LOL'ed while scrubbing the toilet, building a bird bath, or trimming my nose hairs (which could get messy, and dangerous), but it just doesn't work that way for normal people. I say normal people because, in the off chance that you are laughing hysterically while doing these things, it's more than likely that you need to see a shrink. Maybe an nice anti-psychotic is something you should look into. You're probably a raving loony--and should be treated with all the respect and caution that one deserves, being allowed to cackle maniacally in peace.

Speaking of pharmacological intervention, though, no matter how great or horrible your life is, I don't want to read about it in a status update. Posting anything resembling any of the following probably indicates that you are now, or should be, on medication of some form :

"I love my life!"

"I just can't make sense of life."

"Hooray: life!"

"I'm going to end it..."

(If you have posted these back-to-back, you may or may not already be committed in an asylum somewhere.)

I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with loving life, it's just that the majority of human beings are not in a constant state of ecstasy. Ever been in a bad mood and crossed paths with someone in a really super great mood? It's my guess that you've never been so close to strangling somebody. We've all been there--'nuff said.

On the flip side of that coin, if you're having a rough day, week, month, or even year, don't bring down those around you by broadcasting it to the world. Maybe watch an episode of "Friends" (note previous sentence), curl up with a blanket, and take comfort in the fact that tomorrow's another day. What purpose, other than fishing for pity, does, "Tim Sardepartment's cat died, his toe fell off, and he's gassy," serve anyone?

Additionally, on a somewhat related tangent, we have become an exclamation-point-dependent society. I don't know exactly how or when this happened, but at some point it became impossible to to convey delight, happiness, or excitement by attaching anything less than three exclamation points at the end of a sentence. And I'm as guilty as the next guy on this one. Examples:

An e-mail ends with, "Have a nice day." Period. I read that and think, "Geez, you grump. I'll have whatever the hell kind of day I feel like having. Nobody commands me to have a nice day. You're not the boss of me! Try throwing in an exclamation point or two next time and you'll avoid my icy stares the next time we pass in the hall."

Or, you might get: "Thanks." Period. Thanks for nothin' is more like it. "See if I do you any favors next time, Scroogey McGrump-Face. When I get a reply to an e-mail, I want some enthusiasm, some charisma! See, EXCLAMATION POINT! It's not hard. It requires the exact same number of keys strokes as a period: one. So what's the hassle? Am I not good enough for an exclamation point? I bet you gave Brenda in accounting an exclamation point. Bastard."

Stephan King says that more than one exclamation point per page of writing is too many. This is the same guy who wrote Cujo and The Shining, and did so by following--more or less--his own exclamation rule. I think he knows what he's talking about, and I think we'd all be better off following his example. They start to lose their meaning when they're thrown about like confetti: "I like apples!" If you like them so much, why don't you marry them? Wait, what?

So, in summary, the next time you see a status update such as, "Burt Dangley hates his life!!!!!! LOL!!!" please, take it with a grain of salt. And if you're actually thinking about posting this, I suggest you wait five minutes, evaluate whether or not you're truly laughing, and reconsider your post. That's all I ask.(!)